The Dominatrix Bitch Stereotype
don’t think there’s anything incongruous about being nice/fair/laid back and being domly. I don’t think it’s necessary to be bossy or bitchy. It’s fine if that’s how one is or how one likes to play, but if that’s not how one is (or likes to play) I don’t see any reason to put that persona on.
Bitchy just isn’t my style (which is not to say I don’t get bitchy, it’s just not a scene or d/s dynamic I enjoy – it’s the “bad day at work” kind of bitchy). In my first domly experiences I thought bitchy/cruel/demanding was what doms were, and I tried to be that, but it just made me uncomfortable. I’m generally pretty laid back. I found out pretty early on that fellows who like to be forced or who had a “cruel dominatrix” kink were not good matches for me. It did shake my nearly-nonexistent confidence in my domliness that so many fellows I met had this kink, and I just wasn’t comfortable going there. Thing was, if I was with a guy who wanted me to be the bitch-dom or who wanted me to force him to submit, my desire to be domly with that guy just evaporated. I started seriously questioning whether I was domly at all. It felt right in my head, but it sure wasn’t working out that way in actual practice.
Along the way I met some fellows who did not have the kink for force or “cruel dom”, and things started to gel. I discovered that there were fellows out there who responded well to my style, and that willing (even enthusiastic) submission pushed all the right buttons for me, and with these guys I was very domly indeed.
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IMHO, seeming dour, supercilious or bitchy isn’t better. For the record, in my experience dominants who act like domineering assholes don’t represent what enlightened dominant men and women aspire to be. Most of the dominant women and men that I’ve seen at play parties or at the conventions, etc. seem to all be trying to be nice, like I am. They reserve their bully behavior for private scenes in the dungeon, as do I.
I do not let myself get pushed around. I’m fully capable of taking command, and I often do it with a smile on my face. That’s my style. I like to play with people who like my style, so I act like myself instead of some stupid porno stereotype. This way, if they don’t like my style, they know right away to stay the hell out of my life. 
I’m not a bully, I’m not a whore, I’m not Xena, and I’m not royalty on holiday. Acting like any of these feels very phony to me and I won’t be doing it. Besides, it’s not necessary to ever be posturing. Plenty of tops never do it and they get along just fine.
There are lots of subs who seem to think a dominant should act bossy all the time to be believable, but they’re clueless. Don’t let ignorant subs pressure you into playacting for them. If you want to be theatrical because that comes natural for you, then that’s different. I get theatrical when I play, but I certainly don’t live that way.
(From an old Usenet discussion)
Originally posted 2011-01-28 11:34:43.
Female Dominance & Bitchiness
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