Accepting Inequality a Basis for a Happy Marriage
by Charlotte (see the link at the bottom)
Moderation, thank you for a very interesting comment. I agree with most of what you say; it sounds as if your wife runs her family very much as I run mine. Maybe I am bossier and more of an authoritarian than your wife and it naturally affects my way of running my family and home and attitude as head of my family but such individual differences are natural.
That boys should learn to be respectful and obedient to females – their sisters included – I agree with. I also agree that it is just as important to teach a boy why his place is subordinate and why he owes females respect and obedience as it is to teach a girl not only that but also why she is superior to males and that this superiority puts her under an obligation to act with authority and to supervise and control not in an abusive demeaning way but with loving maternal care.
In my experience this comes natural when the children from they are born observe the parents and see that the mother is naturally in authority and control and giving care to the father who is respectful and obedient to her. My daughters very naturally adopted the right sense of natural superiority and also the right authoritative but caring attitude. In the same way it has come natural for my son look up to his sisters and be obedient and respectful to them.
Naturally they have all three been educated and spoken with about matriarchy, maternalism and female superiority/male inferiority at a level that reflected their maturity and ability to understand these things at the time.
What I not fully agree with is that submissiveness is simply an inherent and unchangeable trait. Surely submissiveness just as obedience and politeness can be learned and become habitual. My son is in my opinion submissive to his sisters and his female friends very much s a result of since he was born being adjusted to a normality where females are setting the standards, supervise and control. He has never been treated harshly or been broken in but has consistently had his natural male instincts and behaviors moderated and controlled and adjusted and he has experienced that the best way to have his needs and wants satisfied is to be submissive and unobtrusive. He is now 14 and his best friends are girls. Already when he was a toddler he played well with girls because he adapted himself to their ways of playing, their rules for the game and whatever role they gave him.
Also with my husband I see that submissiveness is something that can be learned. By nature he is both hotheaded and willful but he grew up with three sisters and a single mother and learned that these inclinations only caused him problems but respectful and obedient submissiveness was rewarded. When I met him he was for the first time in his life without female control and guidance and to be honest; his behavior was not the best. He was confused and frustrated and tried desperately to meet some childish male behavior standards and ‘values’ he felt were expected of him. When he found out that I was not going to put up with bad and childish male behavior but insisted on respectful obedience he was responded obviously relieved and submitted willingly to my authority because it meant order and regularity and security. Now almost 20 years later he still momentarily fails to control his hotheaded and willful nature but he is easily stopped and always terrible ashamed the moment
he realizes that he has raised his voice or just with a disrespectful gesture showed sign of being rebellious.
In my opinion one of the big problems in this post-patriarchal time is that most women of the younger well-educated generations although often dominant, regulating and controlling in their relationships still insist on their men having to grow up and being equal adult partners. In practice they rule, they insist on the men doing part of the housework, they check on the men, they vacuum where the men have already vacuumed but not done it correctly, they have endless discussions with their men and try to convince them what is the right and reasonable car for the family to buy, place to go on holiday, way to decorate the house, how for the men to dress and many other things and they use all the methods in the book to manipulate and manage the men to endorse the arguments so it can be said that WE – not I – made the decision. It is so important to give the impression that we are two equal adults and decide things together and I do not feel superior to him and tell him what to do although I when talking with my friends complain that he is childish and cannot even see when it is time to do the cleaning and we would if he decided have a fast sports car instead of a practical family car and would go on holiday in places unsuitable for little kids.
2The problem with this way and method is that not only is it a waste of time but men do not respond very well to it. Most men know very well that it is obviously best to do as the wife says. She will have her way in the end because her arguments are common sense and it is hers ‘we need’ opposed to his ‘I want’ and the man knows it.
In most cases he does not even care to discuss matters and learn all the good arguments for not doing what he would have wanted. The long process of the wife manipulating and lecturing and being disappointed with him and cross with him until he finally has learned to repeat her arguments as if they were his own frustrates a man. He would respond much better to just simply being told the wife’s decisions in matters that concerns him.
Men of the younger generations are in general aware of their own incompetence and subsequently they are more than willing to accept their wives as the competent heads in families and homes. They can be annoyed with specific decisions and rules but they know that on balance the wife’s caring maternal rule is what serves them best but they have great difficulties handling the demand to pretend to be equal adult partners. They are simple creatures and respond much better to being told what they have to do and how to do it than to be expected to know what to do and how to do it.
I have a younger colleague who often complains that she always has to do it all over again when her husband has done the vacuuming or other domestic chore. It is of course annoying for her and makes her cross with him so she does not speak to him for a day or two. I have asked her; why do you not teach him how to do the chores and then in future tell him to do them again if he does not do them right the first time? Her answer was that she will not treat him like a child.
Men are immature and they do not understand these simple things as we do but they can learn to do things right if they are not treated as the men they are and not as mature and responsible adult women.
They also respond much better to being reproached openly and being told what they did wrong, being firmly reprimanded and being corrected in a way they understand instead of having to figure out what they did wrong and why the wife is cross.
I would not dream of forcing my husband to pretend that he is my equal adult partner. Nor would I dream of bothering him with any more than necessary explaining and reasoning. He knows that when I make decisions I take into consideration also his wants and needs and I make the decisions that are the best for him and us as a family. He does not expect to always understand why and he fully accepts ‘because I say so’ as the best possible reason for him.
By accepting that my husband is not my equal adult partner but needs to be ruled with a loving, steady and firm hand I make life simpler, easier and safer for him, many conflicts are avoided and the conflicts we have are solved easily and quickly.
That our oldest daughter now at the age of 16 clearly outranks her father in the family hierarchy has come naturally and gradually as she matured and developed her competences and it also has come natural for our son that he has to ask his sister and not his father if he in my absences wants permission for something.
The way my son interacts with not just his sisters but also his girl friends shows me that like his father he is very comfortable with playing second fiddle. I also can see that his respectful submissiveness awakes the girls’ maternal instincts and encourages them to treat him with caring and gentle firmness. He often comes in an afterschool recreation club and last spring he was on a weekend trip with the club. When I that Friday afternoon drove him to the club two of the girls approached me and assured me that they would look after him and make sure he did not get into any trouble. My son was not the least embarrassed to hear them say this because it is perfectly natural for him that when he is together with girls they are in charge.
The female led family is harmonious because the female leadership is based on maternal care for the whole family and aiming at making life as good as possible for all both male and female members of the family. Most males enjoy the maternal nurture and care and accept being subjected to the female authority as long as they also experience that they are loved.
Actually males tend to experience it as reassurance of love when they occasionally are corrected firmly and in the same way they tend to experience lenience as indifference close to neglect.
To read all of Charlottes’ comments on living in the contest of female superiority read the comments on this blog post.
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