Are You Submissive or Masochistic?

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Power Exchange vs Sadomasochism

I remember wondering once if I were really submissive or soley masochistic. I saw no shame in that but in not being sure of my own nature I couldn’t be sure what I could offer a dominant partner.

Here’s part of an old discussion:

The lines aren’t always very cleanly drawn. There’s a lot of overlap. A lot of people are into some of what we do, some of us are into a lot of what we do, some of us may even be into almost everything that we do (howdy, Philip!), but nobody is into everything that we do. We’re all a blend of some of the ingredients, and in each of us, that blend has a different flavor. In some of us, a spoonful of the stew shows a heavy proportion of sadism. Some of us taste more like bondage, and others of us taste like a whole pot of submissiveness, with nary a trace of masochism.

But in the end, you are what you are – if you think you’re submissive, but don’t consider yourself a masochist, then that’s probably what you are. That’s what I am, in fact. I hate pain, but then again, I need it as a component of my submission. So even though I’m not a masochist, when my sadist lover crops me or clamps my nipples, she’d doing sadism – so therefore, we’re doing sadomasochism.

I would suggest that you don’t need to understand it much more deeply than that – it’s not that complex. Submissive but not a masochist? That’s actually quite common. They key is to know who you are, and what you need, as well as who you *aren’t* and what you “don’t* need – if you’ve got that sorted out and you can keep it clear in your mind, then that’s a big step towards feeling at peace with it. And feeling at peace with it is the key to self-acceptance. Once you’ve attained self-acceptance, you’ll probably find that the exact definitions aren’t really that important.

As for a lot of the BDSM literature seeming inappropriate – well, you’re not the first to notice that. If you’re referring to the fiction, it’s mostly fantasy material. It’s only appropriate if it fits you. Most of it doesn’t fit that many real people. Don’t feel ill at ease if you find that you’re one of those it does not fit. You’re not alone.

Just be who you are, and you’ll always be on the right course.

More:

The first thing I think is that I get a little uncomfortable when I see this put in one *VS* the other kind of terms. That seems to imply some kind of tension between the two things that, IMO, just doesn’t exist. Having said that, I will offer up and old and tired analogy – Kink, BDSM, WIITWD, or whatever you want to call it is like a smorgasbord. There are so many things to choose from. People can choose whatever they like, in whatever combination. They can have all one thing or a little bit of everything or anywhere in between.

It does seem that there is a lot more information out there about S&M than there is about D/s, but I think that’s to be expected. It’s a lot easier to write a how-to about flogging or suspension or whathaveyou than it is to write about how dominance and submission work. The basics of S&M play are about the same for everyone – the same safety factors and such apply pretty much across the board. But, IMO, D/s is a much more individual thing. I’m not saying that’s better or worse, just different. I suspect it’s easier to write fiction about S&M, too. A lot of it is very D/s-y, but I don’t think I’ve seen much that doesn’t have S&M elements. It can be hard to describe one’s kink to others. Most often, unless one is describing one’s kink to a potential partner of whatever sort, it’s just not all that important that they understand exactly where one is coming from.

I guess at parties and such, it’s the S&M play that gets noticed. That’s where the action is, after all. But if one looks, there’s a lot of D/s play going on, too. It just doesn’t require special equipment or a lot of space. While I think there is a perception that S&M is the predominant kink, I don’t think that people who aren’t into S&M are rare. I think there are a lot of kinky people who are neither sadists nor masochists. Just like there are a lot of kinky people who are neither dominant nor submissive.

In my own case I discovered that I’m very masochistic. And – with the right person – very submissive.

Are You Submissive or Masochistic?,
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