(I wrote this a couple of years ago.)
(All occurrences of the word submissive below are surrounded by invisible inverted commas.)
Two stern looking women wearing corsets and a innocent seeming lad clad only in a collar face the stage.
Out minces a man barely able to walk in stringent lady’s ballet shoes with an ironing board, an iron and a stack of clothes. After allowing him barely fifteen seconds of demonstrating his skill at performing household chores in humiliating discomfort one of the women hits the buzzer.
He won’t be collared as America’s Truest Submissive.
In the other day’s note on labels I ignored what is possibly the most hoary gambit in BDSM: what defines a real, card carrying, authentic, genuine, government certified, true submissive.
Then I saw the wearying old debate rising once again from the grave.
Have you ever worried that you aren’t truly submissive or that your husband, partner is not?
Abstractions aren’t helpful. If anything they can be deadly. This doesn’t stop some people from fretting about it like theologians. Even the simple-minded are rarely so simply reduced.
Thinking about the issue only within romantic D/s: do you really love your partner? Does making her happy expand your own happiness? Do you strive to be mindful, increase the ease of her daily life? Willing to defer your own pleasures even forgo them?
Hey, you must be pretty darned submissive.
OK. Well do you feel that service is tainted if colored by erotic feelings?
Nonsense.
Where do you think the drive to submit comes from? Erotic fulfillment is in there somewhere. Orgasm denial isn’t an argument against this: many men find chastity sexually gratifying. Even the most detached service submissive has some sort of erotic pleasure – even if invisibly – caressing his back brain.
Do you feel your submission isn’t pure enough because you have your own desires. Purity of intent is fine. No one is without hopes and needs. Fibbing to yourself about that is asking for disaster.
Self-sacrifice can be a beautiful act. Or self-destruction. Depends on keeping it within proportion. I’ve damaged my own life by letting my desire to give get out of hand. (Not with Alexandra.)
As I wrote a few days ago in the beginning out our relationship I did wonder if the desire to surrender was really part of my makeup. We all have doubts about ourselves or find self-definition difficult.
Is she happy with you? Are you happy with her? If the answer is yes then you must be true enough.
If not then it is time to talk and negotiate. Never try to live up to someone else’s imaginary rules.
Originally posted 2008-01-26 16:10:42.
True Submissives!
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